Time Passes Quickly

I remember this picture as if it were yesterday. We were at Yosemite National Park on top of the tourist bus.Fred and Ken sat in front of me.  How beautiful they both looked.  The incessant "Are we there yet?", the constant "How come?", and the perpetual "I don't wanna" and "'Coz" couldn't even dampen the whole moment.  This particular moment frozen in time. How I sometimes wish I could rewind to that perfect moment and start all over again.  What I would give to have that.  Work...how hollow that word seems. Would it have been any different if I just stayed at home and watched them grow? Would it have been better for them or perhaps...me? The perpetual struggle between family or career.  Neither one ever really being the right decision fully by itself. Why am I so different from my mother? or for any other mother that are there always for their children?  Why is that "mother switch" in me not turned on? Am I destined to miss out on those single perfect moments in my children's life?  Do I always have to carry a dull ache within because I am not there always for them? Those milestones I missed are gone forever.  I miss them so much.  My son will turn 16 this May and my daughter just turned twelve last December.  My youngest turned eight last February.

My two older kids look like this now and I can't help but wonder where have all those moments gone. I look at pictures of my schoolmates with their families and how happy they look. I wish I could have that same contentment as theirs. I pour my solace into my youngest child. Hoping perhaps through her I could make amends. Gale just said goodnight. She told me she is going to sleep now.  I told her "Good night, little one." Deep inside, I hope I get to see another perfect moment in time. Another that I can freeze forever in my minds eye before time passes quickly by...